It’s been a busy week or so.
I wasn’t posting last week because I was just a wreck. Last week was rough. We started Miles at daycare Wednesday for a few half days so he’ll get used to it before I go back to work July 16 (their policy). And to quote the woman watching him, the first day “did not go well”. I had been reading about how it would be. I had been sleeping with a blanket so that it would smell like me and had some of his favorite toys. I hung out for a short while. Said “goodbye, I’ll be back in a few hours, I love you”. And left. I didn’t want to linger because I was already in tears at the idea of leaving him. And a drawn out goodbye isn’t helpful. And “they” always say its harder on the mom than the baby. So I was a big girl and left and cried in my car. But after about 3 hours when it was time for me to pick him up. She opened the door and said to me “it did not go well”. My heart broke. He cried for about two hours and she could not console him and he would not nap. He finally was so tired and exhausted that he fell asleep on his tummy. I had arrived shortly after he woke up.
My poor baby.
So of course the rest of the day at home with him I was in tears just so miserable and guilty and plotting about how I would quit my job and stay home full time and how I’d never buy anything again for myself if it meant that I could stay home so he wouldn’t have to go back to daycare. Matt was calm and tried to help me. He asked “how did you think it would be different?” I confessed that I knew it would be hard but had no idea it would be THIS hard.
But then Thursday morning came and it was time to try again. More tears from me. I did not want to leave my baby thinking that he’d be so upset (typing this now brings tears to my eyes again). So I tried something different. We timed it so that when we arrived we would put him down for his nap together and when he was asleep we’d leave. That seemed to work. He napped for her again too after he woke up and played for a while. But wouldn’t take a bottle from her. I wasn’t worried because he doesn’t eat much in those morning hours anyways. But we went home with homework. That night was the first night that Matt put him down without me. He did bath routine, changed him into his sleep sack (like he always does) but he gave him a bottle of pumped milk and he fell asleep.
I had such mixed emotions. Of course I was happy that he took a bottle no problem (and sucked it down like a champ) but then part of me was sad not to be the one to nurse him to sleep as I have done every night of his life. I was so happy for Matt to get to experience that feeling. And can envision actually going out on a date and not needing to be home to put Miles to bed (eventually…). It was such a mash up of emotions. Happy and sad. Everyone tells you these first few months fly by and they really do. Even at 4 am while nursing bleary eyed I would look at my baby boy and would just try to remember everything and savor the moments where you feel you are the only ones awake, like its our own secret time knowing that soon he would be bigger and sleeping through the night and I would miss these special times regardless of how tired I was. I just never want to miss a moment.
I know it is a mother’s love but I often feel addicted to my son. He’ll be asleep in the co-sleeper next to me…and I miss him. I’ll flip through photos of the day on my iPhone, or from the day he was born and smile and long to hold him. I love him that much. I would do anything in the world to make him happy. And so I felt like I was letting him down by taking him to a place where he seemed SO unhappy.
But…I cannot shelter him from life. I know that the answer isn’t me staying home with him full time. I know he will not be happy 100% of the time in life and those times will make him stronger, will build character and will make him a good personal and will teach him patience. He will learn that he doesn’t always get his way. It will get better for him. He’ll learn that daycare is a safe place (with WAY more toys than home). He’ll socialize with other kids and learn to be soothed by other adults. And as I tell him: mama (or papa) will always bring you home.
Friday when I went to pick him up the door opened…success!! He napped AND took a bottle. It was a great day.
1. My lil hipster baby
2. His friend Mason “holding” him (too cute!!!)
3. Bath time booty
4. Tummy time with one of his favorite toys
5. So peaceful cuddling in his swing with Raff (the giraffe)